Disappointment and Buckets of Grace

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I hate saying it, but I think I’ve been hiding from God. Maybe I was mad at Him or I expected Him not to show up. Maybe I just didn’t want to admit that I was hurt and He was the only One who could heal me. Because admitting that I am weak makes me feel sick. I don’t want to be weak, but I am.

Maybe I was hiding because I was scared. I probably got lost in the idea that perfection is the only standard- that life only flows abundantly when I have everything together.

Trying to hide the ugly parts of me from Him while still holding onto the facade of a better me, I tried to run the relationship. God, You’re big enough to handle anything, but there’s nothing to see here. I’m going to do it on my own because I don’t want to bother You. I’m tired of being someone else’s burden. I even try to convince myself that I don’t need help.

Control invited me to go to dinner, but stood me up. Exhaustion seems to have seeped into the cracks of my schedule, and Confusion is proud to say that he’s my new bff. Anxiety has tattooed his name on my arm and I can’t seem to scratch it off. These four and many others have become my friends, and I guess, I guess I was afraid to tell God.

I was afraid He’d be disappointed in me. I didn’t even realize that. 

I am afraid He will be disappointed in me. So I hide. I’m so afraid that God won’t be pleased with me. I’m afraid to screw up our relationship. I’m afraid to mess up His view of me. As if God doesn’t already know the color of my heart.

Relentless is my word and yet I am being more relenting than ever. I’m just giving up. That’s not okay. When did I stop trusting?

Would I push harder if I knew Christ would catch me?

How many times do I stop short because I know on my strength I can’t make it? How many times do I decide when it’s time for me to cut it short? How many times do I think today I should write and yet I don’t because I fear that my words hold no weight?

Was I afraid that He’d be disappointed in a girl who wasn’t strong enough to finish the race? Yet if I think of the characters in the Bible, I am encouraged for they are like me. Moses doubted God and Peter denied Christ, and yet they were not kicked off the team. Because God has buckets and buckets of Grace and if we can learn to accept Grace then we will soon learn how to pass the buckets from soldier to soldier.

I know He won’t cast me out, but I don’t want to look into His eyes because I’m afraid I’ll see the sorrow of regret glistening there. I forget that the clouds are Him waving ‘hello.’ Shooting stars are a simple way for Him to say “I love you.” Orion’s Belt is a constant reminder of His faithfulness, and Dandelions on The Doorstep are just His way of saying, “I’m here too.”

I’m constantly looking into His eyes without ever thinking about it. But with every look it’s as if I’m saying, “am I worth it?” Over and over again, He’s giving me clues that I’m still His. No matter how good I think I am at hiding or how far I think I can run, I’m still in His hands and He is not disappointed in me. When mistakes and failures come, may we remember that there are more buckets of grace than we could ever imagine.

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