Maybe I thought that discipline was no longer necessary. As if at some point of life you can stop consciously striving towards some goal. As if I even wanted a life that meant that at some point I could become stagnant. I don’t want that and yet I get exhausted with the idea of setting goals.
Pushing for that goal though makes me tired. I don’t want that to be my life. I feel like it’s this constant gearing up for the race, this constant push for the finish line.
That’s the point though. I’ll probably never reach the goal of being fully healed, not having problems, being healthy, being fit, not making mistakes. As soon as I accomplish one goal or test, there is always another one that I add to the list, which makes goals seem rather unreachable to me.
I forget that it’s about the striving. It’s about the climb to the mountain not necessarily if I make it to the top. It’s the process.
The other day, my dad told me that my grandpa always says that it’s not where you are that matters. It’s where you are going. So basically as long as I’m moving towards better places I’m okay even if I’m still a mess.
I’ve been between a rock and a hard place for a long while. I don’t want to consider going back. I don’t want my lack of discipline to put me back where I was, but I don’t want to feel this pressure all the time to be a better me. I don’t want to be suffocated by my own expectations.
-But that’s where it gets real. Where did these expectations of mine come from? And what exactly are they rooted in?
God doesn’t ask me to be perfect or better. He asks me to delight in him, to find my rest in him. He asks me to surrender and to trust him, and when I do those things the fruit of following Him will naturally be produced. And yet I yank the reigns from his hands and say “God. I know what I’m doing. I got this.” When I can’t do anything without him, and I am genuinely reminded of that all the time.
I often think that I constantly have to be moving and running in order for me to be valuable, but again where do these expectations come from? They are not of the Lord.
My spring break was exactly what I needed. However I never would’ve chosen it on my own. I had oodles of time to think, be still, and rest. This is such a discipline for me, but it was beautiful. I wasn’t restless during it, which proved to me the authenticity of the peace He has given me. I saw this time of quiet as an opportunity to process all that the Lord has done recently. What a gift!
So I sat. I didn’t accomplish much, and I didn’t feel guilty about it. It was great. It was huge for me to just sit and rest, understanding that the Lord doesn’t ask me to be constantly running. Resting is a form of worship too.
It’s a balance and I have a hard time finding it everyday. Rest isn’t always in the form of sleep and worship is not always in the form of song.
Philippians 3:12-14 “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward the goal to which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
The point isn’t always that you’re gonna make the mark. It’s okay to miss the goal, but make sure you don’t stop shooting. Keep going.
Brothers and sisters, keep pressing on. If you feel like you can’t make it, do a strength assessment and see who you’re leaning on. Is it yourself or Christ? Adjust accordingly.He is gracious and kind. He will lift you up.