We were driving when the call came in.
It was a tournament day.
I thought I would vomit when I heard the news.
I thought I would vomit for days.
Sometimes I still do, but I remember
Shock and shattering heart break.
I remember there was no split second before I cried.
There was no half a minute of blank stares.
There was only heart wrenching sobs.
-A friend sat in the back of my car.
I always wondered what it was like to see humanity fall apart
and not feel an inkling of that grief.
To just observe a human in the wrecking state of it all.
But that’s a different point.
Every time I went up to serve all I could see was-
I can’t even say the words.
But tell me why is hangman a child’s game?
Only fools play when men die hanging from a noose.
But when I served, I’d want to fall apart all over again,
but I couldn’t. I could not.
For my only memories of him were good,
And many there were so many.
He laughed, he cracked jokes, he smiled.
He always smiled.
Make me want to dance and sing.
When the pitter patters seems like it fits the rythm of my heart beat.
-But there are other days when I feel as though
If the sky fell apart it’d somehow ease my aching heart.
And maybe that’s because the first time suicide knocked on my door,
It stole a loved one.
It ripped my heart apart. It shred it to pieces.
By sunrise the sky had fallen apart.
It was a ghastly storm, unnatural, fitting.
It lasted all weekend and it was only right, for the ground needed to be cleansed.
I couldn’t have handled sunshine.
For my heart seemed to tear into a thousand pieces
While the thunder cracked the silence.
I was curled in a ball in a darkened closet, crying out to God.
Yelling “why’s” when I knew that was not the question that God cared to hear.
But darkness slowly faded around me encompassing what I knew to be true and right and holy.
I remember fear seeping in.
The realization of what my hands could do, the heartache I could cause.
The lies I believed and how they could fester and grow and convince me of untruths.
Truly, in my hands I held the power of life and death.
I was so afraid that I would choose the wrong one.
So afraid that my mind would create its own storm.
I was so afraid for all the others who were thinking of taking their life into their own hands.
And so in that closet, I cried out my prayers to the only One who can hold heartbreak.